| I got this in my email and I think they are pretty funny
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. Wherever you go, there you are.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.
10. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so
good.
11. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
13. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
14. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
15. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
16. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three
weeks before you need it.
17. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
18. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
19. Someone who thinks logically, provides a nice contrast to the
real world.
20. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've
never tried before.
21. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.
22. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.
23. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
24. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of
the waist change places.
25. By the time you can make ends meet, they mov! e the en ds.
26. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
27. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
28. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human
race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that
word would be "meetings."
29. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
30. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them.
31. You should not confuse your career with your life.
32. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
33. Never lick a steak knife.
34. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
35. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an
actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
36. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other
people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age
eleven.
37. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that,
deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average
drivers.
37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a
nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
38. Your friends love you anyway.
|
